I'm in a funk.
I just want to go home and pour myself a drink, curl up with a book and zone out.
Pity Party of one.
I feel like nothing is going right for me these days.
I don't know.
I'm in a show that I've been wanting to do for a year. I should be happy about that right?
Wrong.
I've injured both my quads and the healing process is really keeping me from learning the dance numbers. I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to do the show.
I just got my hair cut and colored. It looks amazing. Do I feel glamorous?
No.
I feel fat and out of shape, even though I'm dancing 5 days a week and have lost 10 pounds and everyone else thinks I'm crazy for wanting to be thinner.
Then I read a script for an upcoming audition this weekend. "Fat Pig."
Four characters. Two guys, one rather large woman and a skinny girl.
I'm obviously not auditioning for the large woman. But when reading the script, I felt this compassion for this character, Helen. She's living in a world where being fat means being unacceptable and judged.
I feel judged all the time.
But not like this.
Part of me wondered if I would take her by the hand and love her unconditionally, and part of me wondered if I'd talk about her behind her back.
Am I really that shallow?
Another pity party.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not judgemental, I really genuinely love people, and I have unique passions for everyone who comes into my life, on different levels.
Perhaps I need to do this show.
I hope I get cast.
I usually love my job. I love kids. I love being around them.
This week I hate it.
I want to put the baby in her crib, walk out the door and not come back.
Horrible, right?
Obviously I would never do that, but my brain provoked me with the fleeting thought of it.
I have a boyfriend who loves me.
I have never been happier and in love with anyone like I am with him.
But I can't stop wondering if he's really in this relationship.
You know, I asked him wanted he wanted to do for Valentine's Day, implying that I can't wait to do something special. He said he wasn't really into it.
Wow, really?
I like to be swept off my feet and feel like the man I'm in love with couldn't do enough to woo me.
I thought he was like that.
I need that.
I am such a hopeless romantic, and I need those little in between times between holidays and birthdays to feel an indescribable love from the man in my life. I mean, it might be cliche to have a romantic evening on Valentine's Day, but so what. I'm entitled to enjoy that day if I want to.
I have friends coming over tonight because they want to "hang out" and spend "quality time" with me.
I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought.
I don't want to be around anyone.
I don't want to chit chat, I don't want to hear about their day and listen to hapless banter, I want to be alone.
Is it too late to call it off since it's been planned?
Billy wants me to move in with him.
I want to live with him, but I don't want to live 45 minutes away from Nashville.
J is completely happy with everything in her life and I hear about it all the time.
Why shouldn't I?
I'm her maid of honor and best friend.
She is booking lots of commercial gigs and whatnot.
I'm probably upset that I'm not.
But you know what, how am I supposed to book anything when I don't have an agent?
Part of my fortitude for 0-10 get an agent and start auditioning for commercials and film gigs.
I need to do that.
Period.
I'm exhausted and need a break.
A break from life and a break within life's crazy, winding labyrinth.
I need a vacation.
I need for someone else to hold me up instead of me trying to hold up everyone else.
My legs are getting tired and my arms are about to give out.
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You always seem so positive and upbeat which is one of the things that first drew me to you. However, (not that I'm happy you are in a funk but...) it is nice to see this other side of you. Let other people see it. Let them take care of you for a while like you take care of them. If I were still in Nashville I'd take you out for a drink! Hang in there, girl.
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