here is a silly, stately style indeed! ~ king henry vi

I was sitting on the floor of the playroom with Clara this morning and I had taken my shoes off downstairs. She and Ben decided to make a game out of putting stickers on my sweatshirt and were completely engulfed in this game as I sang silly songs to them or periodically attempted to grab them and snarffle their bellies. They were running back and forth from the sticker sheet to me, when Clara stopped in her tracks, halfway across the room. Her eyes widened and she pointed to my feet. "Yaren!" she says, in her high-pitched, three years old voice, "Your socks are matching today!! Your socks don't ever match!" It's true, I typically pull out the first two socks from my sock drawer, without a care in the world if one matches the other, and she always thinks it's the funniest thing that my socks don't match. What she doesn't know, is that I think it's the funniest thing that a three year old child noticed that I was actually wearing matching socks.

I gobbled her up and squeezed her as she squealed with laughter, and she wrapped her arms around my neck and said "I yuv yew Yaren and yer silly socks!" - she's a smart little girl and too adorable for words.

These are the moments that make up for all the other exasperating ones of nannyhood.

that we adjourn this court till further day ~ king henry viii

Yesterday I went to court to sort out the issue with my driver's license.

It took 4 hours. It should have only taken 4 minutes, but the lady on the end of the judge's bench didn't like me. She gave me the LAST number to be called to talk to the DA, after I had been told I would be the 5th person to see the judge. I ended up being the FORTY-SIXTH person to see the judge. When I finally got before him, the judge looked at my paperwork, smiled at me, probably wondering why I was STILL there, and said, well, now that you have the paperwork from your lawyer, just take it to the DMV, get your license, come back in three months and we'll drop the case!! Really? Four hours for THAT?

Needless to say, I got a really good laugh out of the day. Beyond the people who were in and out, looking absolutely cliche to every movie I've ever watched involving red-necked criminals, I also encountered a tasteless individual who, decidedly bored out of his mind, and who was tired of conversing with his friends about baby-mamas, how many credit card frauds he had committed, how many chicks he'd banged and hadn't used a condom, and about the delicious meals one could receive from Taco Bell, he fell asleep in the row behind me, and proceeded to snore...loudly.

I, of course, was attempting to present my best foot forward, dressing up in nice clothes, hair perfectly coiffured, and polished pumps finishing off the outfit, sitting poised in my really uncomfortable seat, when something caught my eye and I guffawed, blatantly out loud, somewhat disrupting the courtroom. All eyes turned to me. I couldn't help it. This gentleman (of sorts), walked into the courtroom and took a seat in the row next to me. In his hands, he was carrying a book titled - (now, this isn't a lie, and I'm not trying to be funny with this one) - How to Rob an Armored Car. As soon as I saw this book, I sputtered and laughed, almost choking on my Orbit : Sweet Mint gum. With wondering eyes upon me, I stifled my laughter to mere shoulder shaking as I cupped my hand over my mouth, keeping the sounds of laughter from escaping.

I mean, wow, really?

And what was his charge you ask? Trespassing of property, and attempted theft.

I'm just sayin'.

the casting forth to crows thy baby-daughter ~ the winter's tale

I'm having yet another lousy day.

Today seems worse than yesterday. I just can't seem to get the thunderstorm out of my brain. The the rain is cold and the thunder hurts my ears. I just want the grey clouds to scatter. I don't even need the sunshine, just leave me with a melancholy sky.

I had a strange dream last night.

I was pregnant. Five months pregnant and you could see where the baby was positioned in my stomach. It wasn't a normal pregnant belly, it was almost non-existent, but with a clear definition of the outline of a baby's body could be seen just below my belly button. I went to the doctor, and they told me she was a girl. I was going to have a little girl! But before I could enjoy the moment of pictures of a beautiful life together, he told me that she had lost her battle for life within me, and I was to give birth to a stillborn. I cried. Hard. I wanted to hold my little girl so badly, but not without the breath of life.

I went home - I just wanted to be alone with my daughter, to say my last goodbye to her, to tell her everything I thought I would have a lifetime to say. So I made a pot of tea, and sang to my her, knowing this was to be the last time I was to ever have her close to me. I held her through my stomach, caressing her tiny body with my hands. I felt movement. I pulled my hand away, and yet she moved again. My heart started racing. Could this be my mind playing tricks on me, or was she really alive? I started having contractions and her movements became stronger. My body took over and I was in labor. No one was around. Right there, in the comfort of my bed, amongst a sea of pillows, she was born. I reached down to pull her close, her little hands almost reaching for mine, grasping for life. She was tiny. Almost too small to be real. She came four months too early, but at least she came. Eve. I wrapped her pink body in a blanket and rocked her to sleep, smiling at my little girl. They were wrong. She hadn't given up. She was just enjoying the quiet before she entered the world that is never still.

It was just her and me. Together. And we couldn't have been happier.

but that one half which is unsatisfied ~ love's labour's lost

My purple fingernails look shiny and confident as I tap out these words.
I can't help but stare at them.
Can one actually be vain about something as trivial as fingernails?
Mine are actually looking quite lovely - though this purple seems to be somewhat of a storm cloud purple. A bit of a gloomy shade I suppose, confident, but gloomy. A bit like I'm feeling today.

Weird day today.

The weather, too, is gloomy. I typically fall in love with gloomy days. Not so much love for this one.

I want this day to be over. I want something new to come my way. I want to act for a living. I don't want to be a nanny anymore. I want to put away the bottles, the bouncy seats and the baby books, and sip on a glass of pinot noir, lay in a hammock beneath the afternoon breezes and read scripts. It's just so difficult to be a professional actor in Nashville, and to be one full time. In fact, I don't think I can count on two hands how many actors in Nashville don't have to have a second income. I'm well rounded. And not in the sense of scenes and scripts, but in the area of marketing, PR, working with customers, working with children, speaking in front of people, choreographing - I would love to get with a company that would let me act when the show was right for me, and let me work administratively or creatively when the stage was dark and the patrons have left the theater to the ghost lights and church mice.

I feel like I belong here right now, but I still feel, well, a little out of place, like I haven't quite found my niche yet. I'm working on it. For the time being, I'm focusing on creating a dance, an interpretation of a flamingo's courtship ritual. Well, actually, for the time being, I'm waiting for Annaliese to awaken from her afternoon nap, and then I'm going to entertain her by practicing my audition monologue and showing her my dance. I'm sure she'll love it. Most 7 month's old children love just about anything.

I want to finish my degree and get a job in advertising. I love school. I LOVE to learn. Absolutely love it. I suppose that's why I have educational, daily devotionals*, and have my Droid loaded with learning applications, I simply can't get enough.

I'm a nerd. I get it. I embrace it. I fulfill it. And then I act nonsensical in public places and make my friends laugh and the people around me look at me sideways with their lips puffed out in confusion and the hoods of their eyelids arching forward as if to protect their vision from the oddity at hand. But, it's me.

I made an entire pot of coffee this morning and I'm more than halfway through it. But I somehow forgot that one should eat meals along with the consumption of coffee. Well, I didn't really forget, I just can't find anything worth eating. Nothing sounds appetizing. Not a damn thing. I didn't want my morning eggs, I haven't craved my usual peanut butter toast topped with dried cranberries, no spicy pasta, no pickles, no hummus - not one thing sounds delicious. So, I'm picketing outside the pantry until my taste buds decide they've gone off strike, and then I shall delight in some tasty morsel. Until then, the coffee will just have to do.

*The daily devotional I'm reading is titled: The Intellectual Devotional, Modern Culture

how many children hast thou? ~ king henry vi

When I arrived this morning at work, I was greeted by Phoebe, (Ben and Clara's mom) who looked undeniably frazzled and was wearing a hideous combination of clothing. (Typically she dresses adorably, but today was not one of those days) Phoebe was wearing a burgundy red wrap dress, that wasn't tied right. It in fact, looked awkward, as though she forgot she was tying it mid-bow, and went with a loose loopy effect instead. I have a feeling if she doesn't notice it soon, it'll come undone and she'll lose her garment. Her 5 month's pregnant belly is starting to round out and look quite precious, as she carries her baby weight completely in her belly. She was wearing light blue and pink jewelry, which I think might have been intended for a different outfit, and she was wearing pumpkiny-orange colored loafers that otherwise might have looked quite couture with the right slacks; but certainly not with this red wrap dress. She had started to put on blush, but missed a cheek.

She opened the front door with a forced smile and said: "Good Morning, Lauren, how are you?" I replied that I was great, a little tired and worn out from the usual stresses of my every day life, but otherwise, okay. She cut me off saying: "Lauren, I'm going to work today, and I'm never coming back. You can have the children...FOREVER." I laughed as she said this, thinking it must have been a hectic and crazy weekend for her, when she continued. "I'm serious, they're driving me crazy. I can't take it. I can't. Ben somehow crawled onto the kitchen counter, got in the sink and started washing his pacifier with the spray nozzle. I don't even know how he got up there. Clara goes in her closet every hour and changes outfits. They run around like banshees and -- they're yours. You get to keep them. Your birthday's next month, right? Happy early birthday..."

So, my day has been crazy. They're supposed to be down for a nap at 12:15-12:30, and I just got them wound down enough to go to sleep. It's now almost 1:45. I'm definitely worn out. "Let's play this", "I wanna eat that", "pick me up", "Ben stole my Barbie", "Clara has my train", and on and on and on and on...wow...and Phoebe's pregnant. AGAIN. That means, starting in August, I'll have three toddlers under the age of 3.

Anybody looking for a nanny job?

I'll prove a busy actor in their play ~ as you like it

It has been far too long since I visited my thoughts, engraving them to everlasting life with art of the written word.

I haven't journaled. I haven't blogged. I haven't written a poem. I've signed my name on the dotted lines of the "Merchant Copies" of wine shoppes and fine dining establishments, but that's about it.

In the past month, I have not had one day off from work, dancing, acting - performing, rehearsing - nothing. It's my own fault, but I've traded in one passion for the other, leaving the pen to rest and my keyboard dusty, as my body has grown weary and my brain is on autopilot; learning lines, remembering choreography, trying to remember blocking and vocal inflection. Trying not to have a mental breakdown backstage during tech rehearsal as I continued to drop my lines on stage. It's been a really long year already, and yet, it somehow has flown by all too quickly.

SWING! opened and closed after a three week run and packed houses, great reviews and the like. I even got mentioned in a review being noted as: "If an award were given to the cast member who perfectly captures the look and vitality of the swing era, I'd have to give it to Lauren Atkins*, who looks as if she just stepped off a bandstand of the era, right after sending her beau off to do battle with Hitler himself."

I found this flattering, albeit a tad funny, as from thenceforward on, before we performed the USO numbers during the show, I made it a point to exclaim to everyone that I was sending my beau off to fight the fuhrer... Ah! The life of an actress!

Of course, once SWING! was up and running, I started full time rehearsals on my off days for Fat Pig, leaving practically no time for myself, let alone anyone else. I've been tired, and well, run-down to say the least. The week before SWING! opened, I found myself really sick with walking pneumonia, and it lasted throughout the entire run of the show, and I didn't find myself pneumonia free until three days before the opening of Fat Pig. Thank goodness. Three weeks of pneumonia was more than enough.

We have four more performances of Fat Pig left, and then I'm setting sail for America on board the ship of dreams, as Titanic the Musical opens in April. We've been in rehearsal for a couple weeks, though I've missed most of them due to performances.

I even had to create a calendar of the next three months with my schedule, just to combine all my separate lives that I somehow lead, and I sent it to Billy with a note saying, in a nutshell, "Honey, I love you, I know my life is crazy, but if you see empty spaces on my calendar, please pencil yourself in." Pathetic. I think I have 2 days off until the first of May.

My ventures lead me astray and I feel like I'm constantly waving to him from a distance. I'm lucky that he keeps his horse saddled and ready at a moment's notice, galloping at full speed toward my rescue if my life takes an unexpected pause. Perhaps I should slide up there next to him and let him ride me off into the sunset -- but that would just be too perfect wouldn't it? I'm never going to be able to jump on that horse when I love to feel the earth beneath my feet. I feel so grounded and steady, so strong and ready for anything that comes my way. I don't know that I could trust a horse to lead me down the path I have already decided to follow on my own.

I digress.

I don't suppose there was a rhyme or reason to this entry, but I've been feeling disconnected from my heart and needed a little space from my other life. It's nice to slip away into the world of thoughts and wade through the sea of word puddles for a little while. But now I have to brush up on my lines for the show, as I have a performance later, despite the fact that Annaliese should be waking from her afternoon nap at any moment, and I will have to sit cross-legged on the floor with an adorable eight month old and play peek-a-boo until her parents get home from work.

Peek-a-boo...I see you...you know, we unknowingly play this game with ourselves and others and forget that even when we put our hands over our eyes and can't see past the darkness, the light is all around us and eyes are always watching, smiling, peering into our world. You may close your eyes and shut out the world, but when you open them and smile, the world breathes you right back in...

*Atkins was my married last name and I still use it for the stage as of now.