I'll prove a busy actor in their play ~ as you like it

It has been far too long since I visited my thoughts, engraving them to everlasting life with art of the written word.

I haven't journaled. I haven't blogged. I haven't written a poem. I've signed my name on the dotted lines of the "Merchant Copies" of wine shoppes and fine dining establishments, but that's about it.

In the past month, I have not had one day off from work, dancing, acting - performing, rehearsing - nothing. It's my own fault, but I've traded in one passion for the other, leaving the pen to rest and my keyboard dusty, as my body has grown weary and my brain is on autopilot; learning lines, remembering choreography, trying to remember blocking and vocal inflection. Trying not to have a mental breakdown backstage during tech rehearsal as I continued to drop my lines on stage. It's been a really long year already, and yet, it somehow has flown by all too quickly.

SWING! opened and closed after a three week run and packed houses, great reviews and the like. I even got mentioned in a review being noted as: "If an award were given to the cast member who perfectly captures the look and vitality of the swing era, I'd have to give it to Lauren Atkins*, who looks as if she just stepped off a bandstand of the era, right after sending her beau off to do battle with Hitler himself."

I found this flattering, albeit a tad funny, as from thenceforward on, before we performed the USO numbers during the show, I made it a point to exclaim to everyone that I was sending my beau off to fight the fuhrer... Ah! The life of an actress!

Of course, once SWING! was up and running, I started full time rehearsals on my off days for Fat Pig, leaving practically no time for myself, let alone anyone else. I've been tired, and well, run-down to say the least. The week before SWING! opened, I found myself really sick with walking pneumonia, and it lasted throughout the entire run of the show, and I didn't find myself pneumonia free until three days before the opening of Fat Pig. Thank goodness. Three weeks of pneumonia was more than enough.

We have four more performances of Fat Pig left, and then I'm setting sail for America on board the ship of dreams, as Titanic the Musical opens in April. We've been in rehearsal for a couple weeks, though I've missed most of them due to performances.

I even had to create a calendar of the next three months with my schedule, just to combine all my separate lives that I somehow lead, and I sent it to Billy with a note saying, in a nutshell, "Honey, I love you, I know my life is crazy, but if you see empty spaces on my calendar, please pencil yourself in." Pathetic. I think I have 2 days off until the first of May.

My ventures lead me astray and I feel like I'm constantly waving to him from a distance. I'm lucky that he keeps his horse saddled and ready at a moment's notice, galloping at full speed toward my rescue if my life takes an unexpected pause. Perhaps I should slide up there next to him and let him ride me off into the sunset -- but that would just be too perfect wouldn't it? I'm never going to be able to jump on that horse when I love to feel the earth beneath my feet. I feel so grounded and steady, so strong and ready for anything that comes my way. I don't know that I could trust a horse to lead me down the path I have already decided to follow on my own.

I digress.

I don't suppose there was a rhyme or reason to this entry, but I've been feeling disconnected from my heart and needed a little space from my other life. It's nice to slip away into the world of thoughts and wade through the sea of word puddles for a little while. But now I have to brush up on my lines for the show, as I have a performance later, despite the fact that Annaliese should be waking from her afternoon nap at any moment, and I will have to sit cross-legged on the floor with an adorable eight month old and play peek-a-boo until her parents get home from work.

Peek-a-boo...I see you...you know, we unknowingly play this game with ourselves and others and forget that even when we put our hands over our eyes and can't see past the darkness, the light is all around us and eyes are always watching, smiling, peering into our world. You may close your eyes and shut out the world, but when you open them and smile, the world breathes you right back in...

*Atkins was my married last name and I still use it for the stage as of now.