coral is far more red than her lips red ~ sonnet cxxx

14.June.2010
1:53am

Lying here in bed, my head seems to be prisoner of thoughts inconsolable. Racing, tumbling, falling, they gather about my head, hopeless and in need of comfort.

Anxiety seems to be the captor of my soul. Barbed wire intertwined with daffodils and lemon Jasmine encircle my heart.

Ivory silk and black lace fall discreetly about my figure. A simple bow tied at my breasts. I feel so beautiful. How is it that I am so content to lie here alone; though the silence seems broken as Ms. Savignon Blanc seems to chatter on quite significantly at my bedside table.

Last night's chiffon, raven woven frock sits smugly in a heap near the corner of my room. With gathered stories of a bachelorette, red lipstick and five hands grasping five blue cocktails, it rests, exhausted from dancing and whirling about the city, now laying undisturbed, with a slight breeze periodically questioning its early morning silence.

I was her maid of honor. How silly that seems! I am no maid, (as it were), and honor only lies within the definition you yourself define as such. She who stands next to the bride on her wedding day should be a best friend, a lover of all that encompasses this bride's life...

A couple weeks have passed, and that little black dress still lies helplessly in the corner. That night, two weeks ago, I was the one who was to stand beside her on the best day of her life. The wedding is in three days time and I have now been asked not to attend at all. I have been deemed an uncaring friend. I have been scolded for not "loving" her as she loves me. I have been left to feel as though I could never reciprocate her love. Is it terrible that I'm not phased? Is it awful that I don't feel as though I'm going to miss out? Should I be ashamed that I am so far removed from the idea of EVER being someone's "best friend" that I feel relieved not to have to be there?

Here's something twisted to ponder. I received a letter sent through priority mail, including a few mementos - almost as though I was getting a break-up letter and my belongings returned to me - and in the letter, she apologized for the fact I had bought a dress for her wedding; one to be worn as I stood next to her at the alter. She hoped that I would find another time to wear it. I chewed on the inside of my lip uncomfortably as I read and re-read this excerpt. I received this letter Monday, and the wedding is to take place five days from the day I received it, also five days after I was asked not to attend the wedding. Is this the wrong time to mention that I still haven't bought a dress? I was to be her maid of honor, and out of her six bridesmaids, I am the only one who hadn't found "the perfect dress", yet the wedding is less than a week away. I just...didn't...feel right about purchasing one. I knew something didn't seem right about the situation, and I kept putting off the search for a dress.

Listen people, I am NOT cut out for best friend material. I have never had a "best friend" nor do I intend to. There are too many expectations involved and I don't aim to disappoint. I am quite content being your number three friend. Just please, don't ask me to be more of a friend than I can comfortably commit to - you'll be left unsatisfied, and at this point, I'm more likely to hand you a box of tissues and check on you the next day when you come crying to me about your woes in the middle of the night. And when you ask me to hold your hand, I'll pull out the hand sanitizer and ruin that tender moment completely.

My wiring is off. I get it. I admit it. I don't want a best friend and I don't want to be your best friend. Please just accept it. Number three is about the best you'll get from me, and if that isn't enough, don't waste your time because I'm letting you know right now, I don't know how to be anything other than that.