but that one half which is unsatisfied ~ love's labour's lost

My purple fingernails look shiny and confident as I tap out these words.
I can't help but stare at them.
Can one actually be vain about something as trivial as fingernails?
Mine are actually looking quite lovely - though this purple seems to be somewhat of a storm cloud purple. A bit of a gloomy shade I suppose, confident, but gloomy. A bit like I'm feeling today.

Weird day today.

The weather, too, is gloomy. I typically fall in love with gloomy days. Not so much love for this one.

I want this day to be over. I want something new to come my way. I want to act for a living. I don't want to be a nanny anymore. I want to put away the bottles, the bouncy seats and the baby books, and sip on a glass of pinot noir, lay in a hammock beneath the afternoon breezes and read scripts. It's just so difficult to be a professional actor in Nashville, and to be one full time. In fact, I don't think I can count on two hands how many actors in Nashville don't have to have a second income. I'm well rounded. And not in the sense of scenes and scripts, but in the area of marketing, PR, working with customers, working with children, speaking in front of people, choreographing - I would love to get with a company that would let me act when the show was right for me, and let me work administratively or creatively when the stage was dark and the patrons have left the theater to the ghost lights and church mice.

I feel like I belong here right now, but I still feel, well, a little out of place, like I haven't quite found my niche yet. I'm working on it. For the time being, I'm focusing on creating a dance, an interpretation of a flamingo's courtship ritual. Well, actually, for the time being, I'm waiting for Annaliese to awaken from her afternoon nap, and then I'm going to entertain her by practicing my audition monologue and showing her my dance. I'm sure she'll love it. Most 7 month's old children love just about anything.

I want to finish my degree and get a job in advertising. I love school. I LOVE to learn. Absolutely love it. I suppose that's why I have educational, daily devotionals*, and have my Droid loaded with learning applications, I simply can't get enough.

I'm a nerd. I get it. I embrace it. I fulfill it. And then I act nonsensical in public places and make my friends laugh and the people around me look at me sideways with their lips puffed out in confusion and the hoods of their eyelids arching forward as if to protect their vision from the oddity at hand. But, it's me.

I made an entire pot of coffee this morning and I'm more than halfway through it. But I somehow forgot that one should eat meals along with the consumption of coffee. Well, I didn't really forget, I just can't find anything worth eating. Nothing sounds appetizing. Not a damn thing. I didn't want my morning eggs, I haven't craved my usual peanut butter toast topped with dried cranberries, no spicy pasta, no pickles, no hummus - not one thing sounds delicious. So, I'm picketing outside the pantry until my taste buds decide they've gone off strike, and then I shall delight in some tasty morsel. Until then, the coffee will just have to do.

*The daily devotional I'm reading is titled: The Intellectual Devotional, Modern Culture

the web of our life is of a mingled yarn ~ all's well that ends well

Have you ever had a connection with someone you've never even met?

I've been following a blog of someone who somehow, manages to inspire me, causes me to think about things that I might otherwise cluster in the dusty and shadowed corners of my thoughts, provokes me to face things that typically I might turn away from, and yet, we've never even spoken.

Something within me was stirred this morning.

I was reading his blog, and he was telling his story of finally being able to "take the next step", to move on, or, rather, cycle on, I suppose. (he's a multi-talented athlete who views cycling as an escape, as well as a tool for bettering his mental and physical journeys though life.)

Like me, his relationship of many years ended in 2009, and he's been transitioning into a new life. I've always thought of myself as strong: strong of heart, strong of will, strong with determination, strong with character, and I have never really let my guard down long enough to see that it's not always about strength. Sometimes, it's about your ability to put your faith within the strength of others, who are right there, by your side, waiting for you to reach out to them, so that they may share the weight of your burdens.

A quote from his blog: But this has been a year of growth as well as pain. In tearing down my facade of strength and contentment, emotions were released that I had previously pushed down, and I found real strength in letting them see the light of day. It was overwhelming at first, but in dealing with emotional baggage I have been carrying around for far too long, I feel like I have grown beyond simple recovery, and may be coming out the other side a stronger person.

My marriage of 9 years was ended after a battle of love and life was defeated by the darkened shadows of smoke and mirrors. I thought I was so strong because I didn't even shed a tear over the loss of my relationship, when in fact, I think, perhaps, I didn't allow my friends to help me through it. I just pushed everything as far back in my brain as I could, so as not to have to deal with it. And now, I can't cry. My life has changed so much, and there are so many things I've seen again, for the first time. Not everyone gets that chance. The chance to start over, the chance for a new life. I suppose I'm trying to see the brightness through the murky chasms of failure. I felt like I had failed at something that I always knew I'd be able to succeed. And yet, I feel as though, slowly, that failure has turned into an unexpected opportunity to thrive; an opportunity to rekindle life that had become stilted within myself.

It feels so wonderful to be starting fresh. I'm finding my solace within the place that always seems like a second home: in the arms of the theatrical world, fulfilling my heart's desire with my perpetual life on stage. I've always used performing as a way to escape - a way to become someone else and get away for a while - find a new walk, a new way to talk, a new personality, new mannerisms for a person that I would never truly become, yet now, I'm using these characters as a way to discover new things about myself and as a release for my well-being. It's no longer an escape. It feels so strange. When I look back at my tumultuous marriage, I see a beautiful life, a hard life, a wonderfully happy marriage, a marriage of stone lives, a home filled with laughter, a home filled with silence, truthful hearts, a heart of lies and deception, two people bound with love, two people broken by mistrust. For ten years, I was with someone, and we had proclaimed that our together would last forever. Neither of us knew that forever would arrive so soon. Sometimes I regret my decision from 9 years ago to commit my life to him, to join our lives as one. Sometimes I wish that I would be able to say that I had married the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But wishing only wounds the heart and my wounds have healed. I have a new love for so many things I felt I wasn't allowed to fully love before. I know what makes me happy, and I can now reach for that happiness without being stopped by the boundaries of my previous life. I have found new love within a heart of someone who has shown me a kind of love that I thought only existed in Jane Austen novels or within the Iambic Pentameter of Shakespeare's sonnets. If I had stayed in the life I once had, I never would have discovered that love could be this good.

I have moved across a world of disillusionment into a land of understanding, and you know what, it feels pretty damn good.

clear up, fair queen, that cloudy countenance ~ titus andronicus

After a daunting four days, I can finally see the silver lining and it is resplendent.

It was brought to my attention that it seems as if I am the every-always-optimist and that it's alright to have worldly days of disappointment; days when life just sucks and your brows stay furrowed.

How much brighter life seems with arched brows and rosy cheeks though!

Friday.

• mood starting lifting around 7:12pm.
• Candance, Brooke and I went wedding dress shopping with Jess. Fourth dress was THE ONE. Gorgeous.
• smuggled champagne into the bridal shop.
• then realized all we had to conceal the liquid contraband were red, plastic, SOLO cups. could we be any more obvious?
• drinks, dinner & a little bit of girl time afterwards.

Saturday.

• didn't sleep well Friday night, went to bed at 2am.
• woke up at 8am due to a restless night of sleep.
• dragged myself to the noon o'clock auditions for Fat Pig with Groundworks Theatre.
• 12:33pm - have to leave auditions early because of 1:00 rehearsal for SWING! (the auditions went till 5:00pm) I only got to read twice for the role of Jeannie because I had to leave early.
• frustration sets in.
• outlook not so great for getting the role, due to lack of audition time and the fact that by 12:33pm, there were 10 other amazingly beautiful and talented girls waiting with scripts in hand for their audition slot and a shot at the same role.
• 1:00pm - rehearsal, and my quads about to give out on me.
• 7:08pm - completely exhausted and passed out after a 5 and a half hour rehearsal, draped across Billy's lap after two sips of chardonnay.
• 9:44pm - muster up enough energy to go to Drifters for drinks and dinner with Billy and Dave, which turned into a party for 12.

Sunday.

• 10:36am - I awoke well rested and smiling.
• lazy morning in bed, snuggling and chatting with a simple pattern of stream of consciousness banter.
• 11:49am - scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast. (according to Billy, the best cinnamon toast ever)
• 1:33pm - off to rehearsal.
• quads = still hurting, but allowing me to mark through the numbers without too much pain
• rehearsal = extremely taxing as we were all exhausted after a long week of work and evening rehearsals. the heat was on so that we wouldn't encourage pulled muscles and other injuries upon our tired bodies.
• all of our brains felt like the 80's commercial with the eggs and the frying pan. "This is your brain; this is your brain on drugs" - yes indeed. Our brains were the burnt eggs that didn't look appetizing.
• 5:29pm - missed a call from the director of Fat Pig.
• 6:39pm -return missed call.
• 6:43pm - screaming in the car due to the excitement of being offered the role of Jeannie"!
• 8:04 -Margarita's at Rosepepper with Mel & Dave.
• 12:44 - turn out the light and attempt to drift off with promises of the start of a new week.

I guess sometimes those crappy days, that leave lingering pessimism on not-so-dreary days yet to come, taking away the brightness of sunshine, allow you to enjoy the freshened color palate of a brand new day, when you've been staring at a world of white for days on end.