but that one half which is unsatisfied ~ love's labour's lost

My purple fingernails look shiny and confident as I tap out these words.
I can't help but stare at them.
Can one actually be vain about something as trivial as fingernails?
Mine are actually looking quite lovely - though this purple seems to be somewhat of a storm cloud purple. A bit of a gloomy shade I suppose, confident, but gloomy. A bit like I'm feeling today.

Weird day today.

The weather, too, is gloomy. I typically fall in love with gloomy days. Not so much love for this one.

I want this day to be over. I want something new to come my way. I want to act for a living. I don't want to be a nanny anymore. I want to put away the bottles, the bouncy seats and the baby books, and sip on a glass of pinot noir, lay in a hammock beneath the afternoon breezes and read scripts. It's just so difficult to be a professional actor in Nashville, and to be one full time. In fact, I don't think I can count on two hands how many actors in Nashville don't have to have a second income. I'm well rounded. And not in the sense of scenes and scripts, but in the area of marketing, PR, working with customers, working with children, speaking in front of people, choreographing - I would love to get with a company that would let me act when the show was right for me, and let me work administratively or creatively when the stage was dark and the patrons have left the theater to the ghost lights and church mice.

I feel like I belong here right now, but I still feel, well, a little out of place, like I haven't quite found my niche yet. I'm working on it. For the time being, I'm focusing on creating a dance, an interpretation of a flamingo's courtship ritual. Well, actually, for the time being, I'm waiting for Annaliese to awaken from her afternoon nap, and then I'm going to entertain her by practicing my audition monologue and showing her my dance. I'm sure she'll love it. Most 7 month's old children love just about anything.

I want to finish my degree and get a job in advertising. I love school. I LOVE to learn. Absolutely love it. I suppose that's why I have educational, daily devotionals*, and have my Droid loaded with learning applications, I simply can't get enough.

I'm a nerd. I get it. I embrace it. I fulfill it. And then I act nonsensical in public places and make my friends laugh and the people around me look at me sideways with their lips puffed out in confusion and the hoods of their eyelids arching forward as if to protect their vision from the oddity at hand. But, it's me.

I made an entire pot of coffee this morning and I'm more than halfway through it. But I somehow forgot that one should eat meals along with the consumption of coffee. Well, I didn't really forget, I just can't find anything worth eating. Nothing sounds appetizing. Not a damn thing. I didn't want my morning eggs, I haven't craved my usual peanut butter toast topped with dried cranberries, no spicy pasta, no pickles, no hummus - not one thing sounds delicious. So, I'm picketing outside the pantry until my taste buds decide they've gone off strike, and then I shall delight in some tasty morsel. Until then, the coffee will just have to do.

*The daily devotional I'm reading is titled: The Intellectual Devotional, Modern Culture

accursed, unhappy, wretched, hateful day! ~ romeo and juliet

I'm in a funk.
I just want to go home and pour myself a drink, curl up with a book and zone out.
Pity Party of one.
I feel like nothing is going right for me these days.
I don't know.
I'm in a show that I've been wanting to do for a year. I should be happy about that right?
Wrong.
I've injured both my quads and the healing process is really keeping me from learning the dance numbers. I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to do the show.
I just got my hair cut and colored. It looks amazing. Do I feel glamorous?
No.
I feel fat and out of shape, even though I'm dancing 5 days a week and have lost 10 pounds and everyone else thinks I'm crazy for wanting to be thinner.
Then I read a script for an upcoming audition this weekend. "Fat Pig."
Four characters. Two guys, one rather large woman and a skinny girl.
I'm obviously not auditioning for the large woman. But when reading the script, I felt this compassion for this character, Helen. She's living in a world where being fat means being unacceptable and judged.
I feel judged all the time.
But not like this.
Part of me wondered if I would take her by the hand and love her unconditionally, and part of me wondered if I'd talk about her behind her back.
Am I really that shallow?
Another pity party.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not judgemental, I really genuinely love people, and I have unique passions for everyone who comes into my life, on different levels.
Perhaps I need to do this show.
I hope I get cast.
I usually love my job. I love kids. I love being around them.
This week I hate it.
I want to put the baby in her crib, walk out the door and not come back.
Horrible, right?
Obviously I would never do that, but my brain provoked me with the fleeting thought of it.
I have a boyfriend who loves me.
I have never been happier and in love with anyone like I am with him.
But I can't stop wondering if he's really in this relationship.
You know, I asked him wanted he wanted to do for Valentine's Day, implying that I can't wait to do something special. He said he wasn't really into it.
Wow, really?
I like to be swept off my feet and feel like the man I'm in love with couldn't do enough to woo me.
I thought he was like that.
I need that.
I am such a hopeless romantic, and I need those little in between times between holidays and birthdays to feel an indescribable love from the man in my life. I mean, it might be cliche to have a romantic evening on Valentine's Day, but so what. I'm entitled to enjoy that day if I want to.
I have friends coming over tonight because they want to "hang out" and spend "quality time" with me.
I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought.
I don't want to be around anyone.
I don't want to chit chat, I don't want to hear about their day and listen to hapless banter, I want to be alone.
Is it too late to call it off since it's been planned?
Billy wants me to move in with him.
I want to live with him, but I don't want to live 45 minutes away from Nashville.
J is completely happy with everything in her life and I hear about it all the time.
Why shouldn't I?
I'm her maid of honor and best friend.
She is booking lots of commercial gigs and whatnot.
I'm probably upset that I'm not.
But you know what, how am I supposed to book anything when I don't have an agent?
Part of my fortitude for 0-10 get an agent and start auditioning for commercials and film gigs.
I need to do that.
Period.
I'm exhausted and need a break.
A break from life and a break within life's crazy, winding labyrinth.
I need a vacation.
I need for someone else to hold me up instead of me trying to hold up everyone else.
My legs are getting tired and my arms are about to give out.