dreams indeed are ambition ~ hamlet

This was an email I sent to the owner of the Titanic Museum for which our theater company recently performed the opening number of our production in conjunction with the Grand Opening of the Titanic Museum in Pigeon Forge. You never know the outcome until you ask the question. Ambition leads you down very winding roads of inspirational and exciting journeys...

Mary -

We can not express to you how powerful and meaningful it was for our cast to be a part of your Grand Opening. Getting to tour the museum and perform during your program was just so magical, and seeing the history of the Titanic unfold before us in a way we hadn't imagined possible, was truly awe-inspiring. Getting to meet the descendants of the Strauss' was almost too emotional for me to handle. I had a very difficult time with that, as it brought a different sense of reality to our show, which I already take very seriously. So thank you so much for bringing us into your Titanic world, even if only for a day, for it has made a lasting impression on us all.

Also, I know Tim has extended an invitation for you to come to see our production, and of course, I know we would all love to have you there. I can only imagine how busy you are right now with the opening just recently behind you, but if you can find a time to make it out, just let us know so that we can make sure you have a great seat!

One last thing. I know this is, yet again, another shot in the dark, but after the success of the last random chance that I took in asking if you would like our theater company to be a part of your Grand Opening (which was completely off the cuff when simply calling to get information on group rates), I am going to jump feet first and set out on another venture. I found out that James Cameron is going to be in Nashville on April 23rd for a fashion show, and I would love to extend an invitation to him to come see our production. I know he's probably on a tight schedule, and may not even be slightly interested in seeing Titanic: The Musical, but I thought that perhaps he might take some stock in the idea since he knows you, and if you believed in us enough to invite us to perform at the museum, that he may be curious enough to want to see the show. If you have any information on how I may be able to get in contact with his manager and shoot him/her an email without bothering him, please let me know. Or, you and John could just get together with him and make it a big evening out on the Nashville town and all come together! ;) It was just a thought. But one rule I live by is that "you never know until you ask, and the worst thing anyone can throw back at you is 'no'". :) Anyway, thanks again for everything - It truly was an amazing experience.

Lauren

Needless to say, not 20 minutes after I sent this email, she replied informing me that she forwarded all the information about the show to Jim Cameron himself and that even though he's on a tight schedule while in Nashville, he didn't blow off the idea completely, and is going to call me directly if he can make it.

There is no such thing as an impossible dream...

in his moan, the ship splits on the rock ~ king henry vi

I don't even know where to begin. Life has taken so many twists and turns and so many beautiful moments have occurred in the past several weeks that I feel like I could write a novel and still not capture the experiences that have put such detailed footnotes in the chapters of my oh-so-intricately woven life.

Let me start with the beginning, and hopefully, this entry won't be too terribly lengthy by the time I come to a conclusion.

On February 24, 2010, I was doing some research on the character whom I'll be portraying in Titanic: The Musical and I stumbled upon a website for the Titanic Museum in Branson, Missouri. I thought, "wow!, this is so amazing!" I didn't know there was a museum there, and I was contemplating the idea of a small road trip with several of the cast members. I thought perhaps it would make for a neat bonding experience, it's an 8 hour drive, we could stay the night, go through the museum - and so I perused the website looking for information on group rates. When I got to the section with the rates, there was an error in the website's functionality, and so I picked up the phone and called them.

"Thank you for calling Titanic, this is Carol, how may I help you?"

"I was calling to get information on group rates - I tried looking online, but I think there's something wrong with the website."

"Oh, well, I can surely help you with that!! Are you looking for information on Titanic Branson, or Titanic Pigeon Forge?"

My eyes widened. Titanic Pigeon Forge? That's much closer than Missouri...

"Well, I didn't know there WAS a Titanic Pigeon Forge!! I'm in Nashville, so that's MUCH closer!!"

"It sure is!" she replied, "That location isn't actually open yet, but the grand opening is April 8th, 2010."

Carol then proceeded to give me information on the museum and told me all about how Regis Philbin was going to be christening the ship, and that there were going to be all sorts of artifacts, and dignitaries, as well as descendants from some of the ship's passengers!! I was getting so excited, especially since our show, Titanic: the Musical opens on April 15th, 2010 at the Nashville Dinner Theater. I was hoping that perhaps we could take a group "field trip" and tour the museum - I knew it would be such a great experience for everyone and bring us all closer together. Then something clicked inside my brain. Wait a minute. We're about to perform this big musical, we already have a cast and costumes for this show -- the only thing this Museum Grand Opening is missing, is us...

"Carol, I know this is a complete shot in the dark, and you probably aren't even the person I would need to talk to about this, but, have you ever heard of Titanic: The Musical?"

"Yes, I have, actually, though I've never seen it myself."

After explaining it to her and elaborating on fine tuned details about the Broadway show, I continued to paint a picture for her of how magical it truly is to see in person. I then said:

"Carol, I want you to go on a journey with me. Picture the cast of Titanic: The Musical performing right there, in front of the replica of the Titanic, at your grand opening of the museum. I mean, imagine all of the actors, performing the opening number from the musical, recreating the actual boarding of the ship, and setting up this magical event in front of the hundreds of people watching! They would feel as though they were actually there at the dock of the ship, watching the real people who once boarded the Titanic all those years ago."

"Wow, you seem so passionate about this, and it does sound like a lovely idea. Let me get you in contact with our Events Coordinator."

As I waited for her to get back with me and give me the phone number of Gayle, the Events Coordinator, I hear: "Hi, this is Gayle, how may I assist you?"

Wait a minute. I thought I was going to simply get a phone number or contact email, or a voicemail - but no, I was actually on the phone with the Events Coordinator herself. Oh dear Lord, Lauren, what have you gotten yourself into...

I go into the same spiel that I verbalized with Carol, only I embellished it a little more, and did my best to paint a very convincing picture. I was even getting misty-eyed at my own dance of poetic words during this description, and at the conclusion of my speech, she said: "Well, this really and truly is intriguing and you seem so connected with this idea: I need to get you in contact with the owner of the museum, Mary Kellogg." (yes, that is correct, Kellogg as in the cereal company - this woman was also the vice president of Disney for 14 years as well as the producer of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Regis & Kelly)

After getting through to the right people, I was asked to put together a first proposal, including what our cast would be providing for the opening of the museum, and she wanted to see different examples of media for our production, including our promo reels, publicity shots, and sample tracks of our vocals...it was 11:00am, and she wanted all of this by 4:00pm Central time. Holy ship. Tim Larson, director of Titanic: The Musical, was out of town and I was doing my best to track him down. I first needed his approval to move forward with this, not to mention I needed the approval of not only the theater company, but the rights to perform the show at a public event. Somehow, I managed to get through to Tim, get the email put together with the photos and reels, and emailed it on time. Within an hour and 40 minutes, I had a return email from Mary Kellogg, requesting a conference call set up for two days later.

Needless to say, after a great deal of back and forth, proposing, getting together transportation with the help of Jane Schnelle, lodging with the assistance of Laura Amond, lots of manpower from Brad Kamer, the dedication from our costumers, Cat Eberwine and Jennifer Kleine, not to mention all the time and energy spent with the rehearsals lead by Tim Larson and John Kennerly, we were given a large budget from the museum, and the cast was asked to be the highlighted feature at the Grand Opening of a $25 million dollar museum!!

We left for Pigeon Forge at noon on April 7th, arriving in time for mic checks, tech runs, and a rehearsal on stage. Exhausted yet excited, we made our way to the 16,000 sqft mansion on the mountainside, in which we were staying, and had a wonderful time bonding with one another through our Pigeon Forge adventure.

The day of the grand opening, we boarded our bus at 8:30am and made our way to the Titanic Museum, and despite the rain, had a beautiful time experiencing this journey together.

Above all, we were the first to tour the museum, in costume of course, and we were also fortunate enough to meet several of the descendants from those brave souls who were lost at sea 98 years ago. The famous "Ida and Isidor Strauss" - the founders and owners of Macy's Department Store were brought back to life as I shook the hand of their great-great granddaughter, and heard her story, and the beloved story of her great-great grandmother. And as I watched her embrace the two cast members who take on the two Strauss characters aboard our own Titanic (Mary Corby and Steve Luboniecki), I saw haunted memories pour from the tears that rolled down Mary's cheeks as the feeling of human connection was brought to her character, and to her heart. She was embracing the great-great granddaughter of a woman who chose to stay with her husband as the ship sank far to the depths below, instead of taking a seat in the lifeboat with all the other first class women. At that moment, I didn't see Mary Corby, I saw Ida Strauss, caressing someone who, until then, had only been embraced by memories of her great-great grandmother, and yet, was now being embraced by one who seemed to capture the heart of a woman she never had the pleasure of knowing.

I will never forget going through the museum, seeing the artifacts, the original newspapers that went to press after the tragedy hit the public, standing in the third class corridor, stuck between the stairwell and the gate, watching as the water flooded through, feeling what it would have been like if I truly had been trapped on board, reading the poetry from a survivor who found it easier to account for his experience through prose, walking down the grand staircase, strolling through the captain's cabin and onto the promenade deck, where the temperature of the room dropped to a chilling 32 degrees, and the water on the other side of the ship was at the same temperature as it was when the passengers froze to death as they tried to swim to safety, and seeing the memorial wall with the names of everyone who was lost at sea.

It was emotional, breathtaking, and horrifying, all at the same time. Our cast was brought closer together than we hoped to be, and a more human connection surfaced through the discovery of the life of these passengers, as we saw through story and historical memorabilia the hearts and souls of the lives of those who boarded the infamous Titanic on that unassuming morning of April 10, 1912.

To all those who lost their lives, and to all those who continue to share their legend, godspeed.

but that one half which is unsatisfied ~ love's labour's lost

My purple fingernails look shiny and confident as I tap out these words.
I can't help but stare at them.
Can one actually be vain about something as trivial as fingernails?
Mine are actually looking quite lovely - though this purple seems to be somewhat of a storm cloud purple. A bit of a gloomy shade I suppose, confident, but gloomy. A bit like I'm feeling today.

Weird day today.

The weather, too, is gloomy. I typically fall in love with gloomy days. Not so much love for this one.

I want this day to be over. I want something new to come my way. I want to act for a living. I don't want to be a nanny anymore. I want to put away the bottles, the bouncy seats and the baby books, and sip on a glass of pinot noir, lay in a hammock beneath the afternoon breezes and read scripts. It's just so difficult to be a professional actor in Nashville, and to be one full time. In fact, I don't think I can count on two hands how many actors in Nashville don't have to have a second income. I'm well rounded. And not in the sense of scenes and scripts, but in the area of marketing, PR, working with customers, working with children, speaking in front of people, choreographing - I would love to get with a company that would let me act when the show was right for me, and let me work administratively or creatively when the stage was dark and the patrons have left the theater to the ghost lights and church mice.

I feel like I belong here right now, but I still feel, well, a little out of place, like I haven't quite found my niche yet. I'm working on it. For the time being, I'm focusing on creating a dance, an interpretation of a flamingo's courtship ritual. Well, actually, for the time being, I'm waiting for Annaliese to awaken from her afternoon nap, and then I'm going to entertain her by practicing my audition monologue and showing her my dance. I'm sure she'll love it. Most 7 month's old children love just about anything.

I want to finish my degree and get a job in advertising. I love school. I LOVE to learn. Absolutely love it. I suppose that's why I have educational, daily devotionals*, and have my Droid loaded with learning applications, I simply can't get enough.

I'm a nerd. I get it. I embrace it. I fulfill it. And then I act nonsensical in public places and make my friends laugh and the people around me look at me sideways with their lips puffed out in confusion and the hoods of their eyelids arching forward as if to protect their vision from the oddity at hand. But, it's me.

I made an entire pot of coffee this morning and I'm more than halfway through it. But I somehow forgot that one should eat meals along with the consumption of coffee. Well, I didn't really forget, I just can't find anything worth eating. Nothing sounds appetizing. Not a damn thing. I didn't want my morning eggs, I haven't craved my usual peanut butter toast topped with dried cranberries, no spicy pasta, no pickles, no hummus - not one thing sounds delicious. So, I'm picketing outside the pantry until my taste buds decide they've gone off strike, and then I shall delight in some tasty morsel. Until then, the coffee will just have to do.

*The daily devotional I'm reading is titled: The Intellectual Devotional, Modern Culture

I'll prove a busy actor in their play ~ as you like it

It has been far too long since I visited my thoughts, engraving them to everlasting life with art of the written word.

I haven't journaled. I haven't blogged. I haven't written a poem. I've signed my name on the dotted lines of the "Merchant Copies" of wine shoppes and fine dining establishments, but that's about it.

In the past month, I have not had one day off from work, dancing, acting - performing, rehearsing - nothing. It's my own fault, but I've traded in one passion for the other, leaving the pen to rest and my keyboard dusty, as my body has grown weary and my brain is on autopilot; learning lines, remembering choreography, trying to remember blocking and vocal inflection. Trying not to have a mental breakdown backstage during tech rehearsal as I continued to drop my lines on stage. It's been a really long year already, and yet, it somehow has flown by all too quickly.

SWING! opened and closed after a three week run and packed houses, great reviews and the like. I even got mentioned in a review being noted as: "If an award were given to the cast member who perfectly captures the look and vitality of the swing era, I'd have to give it to Lauren Atkins*, who looks as if she just stepped off a bandstand of the era, right after sending her beau off to do battle with Hitler himself."

I found this flattering, albeit a tad funny, as from thenceforward on, before we performed the USO numbers during the show, I made it a point to exclaim to everyone that I was sending my beau off to fight the fuhrer... Ah! The life of an actress!

Of course, once SWING! was up and running, I started full time rehearsals on my off days for Fat Pig, leaving practically no time for myself, let alone anyone else. I've been tired, and well, run-down to say the least. The week before SWING! opened, I found myself really sick with walking pneumonia, and it lasted throughout the entire run of the show, and I didn't find myself pneumonia free until three days before the opening of Fat Pig. Thank goodness. Three weeks of pneumonia was more than enough.

We have four more performances of Fat Pig left, and then I'm setting sail for America on board the ship of dreams, as Titanic the Musical opens in April. We've been in rehearsal for a couple weeks, though I've missed most of them due to performances.

I even had to create a calendar of the next three months with my schedule, just to combine all my separate lives that I somehow lead, and I sent it to Billy with a note saying, in a nutshell, "Honey, I love you, I know my life is crazy, but if you see empty spaces on my calendar, please pencil yourself in." Pathetic. I think I have 2 days off until the first of May.

My ventures lead me astray and I feel like I'm constantly waving to him from a distance. I'm lucky that he keeps his horse saddled and ready at a moment's notice, galloping at full speed toward my rescue if my life takes an unexpected pause. Perhaps I should slide up there next to him and let him ride me off into the sunset -- but that would just be too perfect wouldn't it? I'm never going to be able to jump on that horse when I love to feel the earth beneath my feet. I feel so grounded and steady, so strong and ready for anything that comes my way. I don't know that I could trust a horse to lead me down the path I have already decided to follow on my own.

I digress.

I don't suppose there was a rhyme or reason to this entry, but I've been feeling disconnected from my heart and needed a little space from my other life. It's nice to slip away into the world of thoughts and wade through the sea of word puddles for a little while. But now I have to brush up on my lines for the show, as I have a performance later, despite the fact that Annaliese should be waking from her afternoon nap at any moment, and I will have to sit cross-legged on the floor with an adorable eight month old and play peek-a-boo until her parents get home from work.

Peek-a-boo...I see you...you know, we unknowingly play this game with ourselves and others and forget that even when we put our hands over our eyes and can't see past the darkness, the light is all around us and eyes are always watching, smiling, peering into our world. You may close your eyes and shut out the world, but when you open them and smile, the world breathes you right back in...

*Atkins was my married last name and I still use it for the stage as of now.

that she is busy and she cannot come ~ taming of the shrew

So now I'm feeling the pressures of a life which I love, and yet have set aside for so long.

I took a break from theater and dance for an entire year. AN ENTIRE YEAR. That, in itself, is almost a lifetime in my book. I was up to performing/directing/choreographing anywhere from 8-13 shows a year, and up to 5 shows at a time!! Between a 40 hour work week and 40-50 hours of theater, I was never home, and never relaxing.

Things changed this past year. I became happier in a way that I hadn't experienced before. I learned how to s l o w
d
o
w
n which was not necessarily an easy accomplishment. At times I felt sluggish, and lazy, I felt like I wasn't doing enough, but overall, I realized that there are other things that are important in life. Like sleep. Ha. I have never valued that before. Now, I seem to grasp its importance in allowing me to have a better head on my shoulders (for the most part).

I also learned that when you love someone, you truly LOVE spending time with them. And then you actually desire to have spare moments in time. I used to devour the fact that I would race from work to rehearsal, rehearsal to another rehearsal, go home, spend a few hours learning my lines, wake up, do it all over again - day after day after day, leaving no spare time for anything else. Now, I have seen the other side. I kinda like it. Kinda. I mean, I really enjoy spending the time with B, he's been the best thing that's happened to me. I hate it when I have to say "Sorry babe, I can't make it, I have rehearsal" - but on the other hand, sitting on my shoulder, there's this little green worm with a uni-brow twitching his fuzzy little mustache, eeking out an evil laugh while saying: "But Lauren, you LOVE this life!! You love being taken over by your schedule and you delight in its demands. Welcome home...(evil wormish laugh)"

Yeah, that little green worm is probably right. I do enjoy it. Sigh. I think right now I enjoy it because I've been away from it all for a year. Possibly it'll wear off. Who knows. I seem to be happiest when I'm the most busy. Although, this past year has been amazingly lovely in a way I never expected it could. I mean, with all the ups and downs and all the disasters and potholes into which I fell. But this year off, proved to help me, okay FINE, I'll be cliche - GROW, a little.

For now, the things that are going to suffer are my other creative outlets - poetry, writing, READING!! Poor George*!! He's stuck by me these past three days when I've been trying to get through being sick!! He stayed by my side every minute and told me stories. I've got to at least do him the respect of sharing his stories with everyone else. But first, I have SWING! rehearsal tonight and we had the read through for Fat Pig last night, and I found out that I have to be off book in two weeks for Fat Pig, so I have to start working on that immediately!! I have some terrifically long monologues (rants if you will) to learn, so I need to step up my game and get on it!!

And so, it continues...

*George Washington is the reference here. For more understanding, please refer to my other blog, "Trading in the Tudors" for which you will find a link to the left.

clear up, fair queen, that cloudy countenance ~ titus andronicus

After a daunting four days, I can finally see the silver lining and it is resplendent.

It was brought to my attention that it seems as if I am the every-always-optimist and that it's alright to have worldly days of disappointment; days when life just sucks and your brows stay furrowed.

How much brighter life seems with arched brows and rosy cheeks though!

Friday.

• mood starting lifting around 7:12pm.
• Candance, Brooke and I went wedding dress shopping with Jess. Fourth dress was THE ONE. Gorgeous.
• smuggled champagne into the bridal shop.
• then realized all we had to conceal the liquid contraband were red, plastic, SOLO cups. could we be any more obvious?
• drinks, dinner & a little bit of girl time afterwards.

Saturday.

• didn't sleep well Friday night, went to bed at 2am.
• woke up at 8am due to a restless night of sleep.
• dragged myself to the noon o'clock auditions for Fat Pig with Groundworks Theatre.
• 12:33pm - have to leave auditions early because of 1:00 rehearsal for SWING! (the auditions went till 5:00pm) I only got to read twice for the role of Jeannie because I had to leave early.
• frustration sets in.
• outlook not so great for getting the role, due to lack of audition time and the fact that by 12:33pm, there were 10 other amazingly beautiful and talented girls waiting with scripts in hand for their audition slot and a shot at the same role.
• 1:00pm - rehearsal, and my quads about to give out on me.
• 7:08pm - completely exhausted and passed out after a 5 and a half hour rehearsal, draped across Billy's lap after two sips of chardonnay.
• 9:44pm - muster up enough energy to go to Drifters for drinks and dinner with Billy and Dave, which turned into a party for 12.

Sunday.

• 10:36am - I awoke well rested and smiling.
• lazy morning in bed, snuggling and chatting with a simple pattern of stream of consciousness banter.
• 11:49am - scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast. (according to Billy, the best cinnamon toast ever)
• 1:33pm - off to rehearsal.
• quads = still hurting, but allowing me to mark through the numbers without too much pain
• rehearsal = extremely taxing as we were all exhausted after a long week of work and evening rehearsals. the heat was on so that we wouldn't encourage pulled muscles and other injuries upon our tired bodies.
• all of our brains felt like the 80's commercial with the eggs and the frying pan. "This is your brain; this is your brain on drugs" - yes indeed. Our brains were the burnt eggs that didn't look appetizing.
• 5:29pm - missed a call from the director of Fat Pig.
• 6:39pm -return missed call.
• 6:43pm - screaming in the car due to the excitement of being offered the role of Jeannie"!
• 8:04 -Margarita's at Rosepepper with Mel & Dave.
• 12:44 - turn out the light and attempt to drift off with promises of the start of a new week.

I guess sometimes those crappy days, that leave lingering pessimism on not-so-dreary days yet to come, taking away the brightness of sunshine, allow you to enjoy the freshened color palate of a brand new day, when you've been staring at a world of white for days on end.

she dances featly ~ the winter's tale

After two days of intense rehearsals this weekend, my mind wasn't synchronizing with my body in the slightest.

In the middle of rehearsal, after learning an extremely fast swing number without the addition of music, I felt confident in my abilities and felt as though I had grasped the steps in their entirety.
Then the choreographer said: "Alright, from the top, with music."

I stood in the middle of the dance floor with my hands in the air, knowing that at some point, I was supposed to end up in that position, my eyes wide with the confusion of realizing I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. So I just stood there in what I knew was supposed to be the ending pose.

When the music stopped I blurted out:

"You think you get the choreography, and then you realize...there's music..."

Life lesson #4,298:
"Just when you seem to learn that 2+2 = 4, you realize that 1 + 3 = 4 and that 20 - 16 = 4 and then you realize that there are so many more numbers you have to understand before you can get the simplest of equations."

all our yeseterdays ~ (macbeth)

This is my first attempt at blogging...ever.

As I tend to be somewhat of a journalist, my old-fashioned ink to leatherbound journals tend to win over the battle with keystrokes and mousepads. So, here we go.

I've been told recently by a dear friend of mine, that his wish for me this year of 2010 (or as I prefer to say "0-ten"), is this:

"I am hoping for you, in 2010, that you find your voice and experience your talent on a larger level than just the isolated community production here and there or the occasional note-posting on FaceBook with your writing. Nothing wrong with either thing...but...you got it girl...now believe and just go and do it."

Well, this blog site isn't Broadway, and it isn't Variety magazine, but it's a start. It's a documented accountability of my daily life and a visual encouragement for myself, to pursue my dreams, and keep notes of just exactly what my life consists of and how to make that consistency even better.

Though my life as a nanny by day, actress by night and writer by every other time inbetween is some of the most rewarding work I have ever done, I might be ready to turn off the night-light and switch on the spotlight for good.

But for now, the kids have awakened from their afternoon nap, and I have a whole world of fairy princesses, and far away lands filled with trains and pirate kings awaiting me...that is, until rehearsal at 7:00 tonight, in which I will trade in my sneakers for character shoes, and step into a world of dancing and singing...

And so it continues...