to make me blest or cursed'st among men ~ merchant of venice

I've been having some dark reflections on my life recently, and so unsure of how I'm supposed to be dealing with these thoughts.

I try so hard not to point fingers in other people's directions when things go wrong in situations, but when it comes to conflict resolution, I just can't let that go. I need for those with whom the conflict has arisen, to not shut down and shut me out. It's not that I wish to find resolve so that I can lay blame on one particular party or the other, but when someone completely walks away, I find myself more upset at that, than I do at the problem itself. Turning your back on someone and just leaving, is the most difficult concept for me to understand, as I would never want to turn my back without fixing the situation. This only happens with me when it comes to the men in my life, and I just feel...abandoned.

Something isn't right, when I feel like all the important male figures in my life would be happier without me. There's just something so completely wrong with feeling that way. Maybe I just need to be single. I think that I'm so happy, but I wonder how much fabrication my brain throws my way. It's as though my brain takes control of my heart and twists everything into a confusing mess. I can't decipher my desires from my needs, and my needs from my obligations, and I feel completely lost in a haze of disillusion. I understand that all relationships have ups and downs, but the outcome of all of the relationships with the past men in my life have been stitched with the same patterns.

My ex-husband, Chris, used to walk out on me when a disagreement arose between us, and he would never stick around when things hit a rocky path. He turned to alcohol and anger, depression and violence. I wanted to help soothe the situation, not irritate it, but he just kept walking away, never giving me a chance, and always leaving me alone, and in tears. I vowed never to put myself there again. And yet, recently, I found myself there again with someone I love tremendously, but who chose to walk away from me, leaving me surrounded with the warm evening rain, and a glass of wine to comfort my anxiety.

The men I have ever loved the most, have always abandoned me.

My biological father left me when I was six months old. He chose drugs and alcohol over me. I found my way back into his life, and I couldn't have been happier to have a second chance at being his little girl. I had always been so curious about my "daddy", but my "dad" made me feel like such an outcast in my own family for not being his biological daughter. For the strength and obligation I felt for my family, I put my own curiosities and desires that every little girl has about her daddy, under a mound of unanswered questions for far too many years. When my biological father and I finally reconnected and found a beautiful relationship that was restored and inexplicably magical, I awoke one day to find out that he had taken a gun to his chest and taken his life from me. When I was born, I wasn't enough for him to sustain sobriety, and then, I wasn't enough for him to sustain life. I never took first place when fighting the battle for his heart.

My "dad", who adopted me when I was three and married my mother, seemed to be the daddy I always wanted. He adored me. I was his little girl. That was, until he and my mother had another little girl of their own, and I was no longer the light of his life. I fought for his love, and I never won. I always had to say "I love you" first, he always turned his head away when I went to kiss him goodnight, and he made to sure to let me know I was never good enough. My heart ached for years. All I wanted was to be "daddy's little girl", and I was there, with open arms, waiting for one of them - somebody - to scoop me up, hold me tightly, and kiss me goodnight.

Silence in my heart, and tears in my eyes proved to paint a could picture of a lost childhood for a father who never truly wanted me; or should I say, "fathers", plural?

What is a man's love? A marriage to the love of your life at age 20? Apparently not. I wasn't enough to engage his love forever. Chris left me for another woman. And another. And another. I wasn't enough. I don't even know what constitutes enough. I don't know if I ever will know. I don't know if I'll ever accept the fact that I just don't know how to fix everything and make it right. I feel like I attract those who can never choose to stay.

I suppose I just have to learn to let go and to close my eyes as the shadows haunt my destiny of an uncertainty within tomorrow's memories. Wake me up when his arms are strong enough to hold me - not even for a day - but for a moment of unobstructed harmony. I ask for just one moment. The rest of my life I can bear with the strength of my soul, but I simply ask that for one simple moment, someone else bear the weight for me and lift me up to a height they hold so dearly within themselves.